Wonder Woman

After Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad, the DC universe desperately needed a movie that wasn’t awful. Giving Gal Gadot, a relatively unknown quantity, the lead in Wonder Woman was something of a gamble. Could she carry a movie? That was the question asked by many, including myself. Well, the answer turned out to be “yes,” and the gamble seems to have paid off.

Wonder Woman starts out briefly in the present. Diana Prince (Gadot), working in the Louvre, receives an old photograph of herself from Bruce Wayne. As she looks at the photo, her mind wanders back to the past, where most of the movie takes place.

Diana was raised on the hidden island of Themyscira, home to the Amazons. According to Amazonian mythology, Zeus created men and everything was fabulous until Ares, the god of war, decided to corrupt them and make them fight. This led to a humungous war where all the gods were killed and Ares was driven off. With his dying effort, Zeus created a home for the Amazons to live and train for the next several thousand years in preparation for dealing with Ares if he ever came back. Continue reading →

Alien: Covenant – Could There Possibly Have Been More Idiot Balls in this Film?

The answer is no. No, there could not have been more idiot balls in this film because every single character juggled several throughout the entire movie. Every. Single. Character. Starting with whoever organized this expedition and decided to select a crew composed entirely of emotionally unstable cowards who fell apart the second anything stressful happened. Not some of them. All of them.

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King Arthur: Legend of the Sword – Pass the Cheese, Please

In the opening sequence of King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, we are presented with a castle under attack from demon elephants the size of large buildings swinging wrecking balls with their trunks and carrying entire armies on their backs. We learn that Mordred is not Arthur’s bastard son. He is, instead, the leader of the forces besieging King Uther Pendragon (Eric Bana). When things go bad for Uther (sorry, I guess I spoiled the first 5 minutes), young Arthur is put on a boat and sent downriver, where he is found by a group of prostitutes and raised in a bordello in the city of Londinium. In the montage of Arthur growing to manhood, we learn that he is trained to fight in a Chinese dojo run by Kung-Fu George (Tom Wu). I didn’t make that up.

 

It became clear very quickly that this movie had nothing whatsoever to do with Arthurian legend, nor did it give two figs about historical plausibility, let alone accuracy. This movie was about some dude who happened to be named Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) running around in an alternate universe with a sword that happened to be named Excalibur. Within 10 minutes, I realized I was watching a cheesy 80s era sword and sorcery movie with a high budget and a great sound track. (Not necessarily a bad thing.)

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Underworld: Blood Wars is Pretty Much More of the Same

Kate Beckinsale reprises her role as Selene, the vampire Death Dealer, in Underworld: Blood Wars, the fifth film in the Underworld franchise. The Lycans are now organized under a new leader, Marius (Tobias Menzies), and are once again trying to wipe out the vampires — like they’ve been doing for centuries of time and 4 movies now. Kind of reminds me of Pinky and The Brain trying to take over the world every single day.

The top vampire leadership keeps getting killed, so Blood Wars introduces a new set of power players. There’s a new Council along with a new set of treacherous schemers plotting to seize control. Semira (Lara Pulver), the sexy but malevolent vampire bent on supreme power, fails to fool the audience even briefly, but manages to take the improbably gullible vampires completely by surprise. Several times. As usual, the machinations of her own kind pose as much or greater danger to Selene as the invading Lycans.

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Moana: Disney’s New Not a Princess Plays it Too Safe

In its never-ending quest to extract as much cash as possible from pre-teen girls of every conceivable ethnic background, Disney adds Polynesian princess Moana (voiced by Auli’i Cravalho) to its ever growing stable. Excuse me, “chief’s daughter.” Moana states very explicitly, and quite indignantly, that she is NOT a princess. Her companion, demigod Maui (voiced by Dwayne Johnson) immediately calls BS on that denial. This exchange is just one of many instances where Disney sheepishly admits to the audience that they’re just following the usual formula. They know it, you know it, we’re all in on it together, so just sit back and look at the pretty scenery.

And the scenery is pretty. More than pretty, actually, it’s gorgeous. The water effects are some of the best I’ve seen in any medium, and the islands are stunning. The animators succeeded in creating a visually beautiful paradise. I found myself wishing I could visit those islands and swim in that ocean. Continue reading →